I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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