Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Everclear isn't food dammit
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
