this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
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