i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
