I'm laying in your front yard are you home
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
