wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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