Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
