Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
