Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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