Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe