bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
