I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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