I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
