this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
