he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
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