Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
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