Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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