Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
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