he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
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I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
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All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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