so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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