sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
