I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
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please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
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I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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