Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
