at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
she pinky promised me she was 18
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
