Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
How external is "for external use only"?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
