Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
