just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
