Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
