when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
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