Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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