I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
did you just send me my own nude
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
