it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
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I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
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You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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