idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
