Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
