Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
You made out with two different species that night
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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