i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
