I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
