final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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