I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
