just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
