On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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