I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
