It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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