Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Randomize
