it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
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