mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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