just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
