i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
