Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
