my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
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