I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
