i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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