Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I checked into jail on foursquare
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
