he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Someone signed my nipple.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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