I am in a vortex of obligation.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
