Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
