I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
