I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
