i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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