How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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