Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
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