life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
