which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
