when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Hippo gnu deer
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
