I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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