I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize