What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
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